


and the stars look very different today

by cloudtwentythree



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Sex, Light Angst, M/M, References to Depression, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 22:13:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17837102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudtwentythree/pseuds/cloudtwentythree
Summary: "Sometimes I take for granted that you’re always around, but then sometimes I look at you and i remember that you’re, like, the most beautiful thing in my life, and that I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t have you and all your love, encouraging me to keep plodding on through the fucking… great unknown, or whatever. You don't fix everything or solve all my problems, but you do make things brighter, and prettier, and less scary."





	and the stars look very different today

“Listen, I love you. You know how much I love you. But you’re also an utter pain in the ass sometimes, you know that?” Dan’s pacing around their mostly-still-unfurnished lounge, socked feet padding about with a sense of urgency that he really shouldn’t have to feel today.

“This is your home too, I get it.” He continues, uninterrupted. “But we have this mutual respect for each other, right? I _thought_ we did. _I_ respect _you_ , at least. And it’d be nice to know that you feel the same. And when you do things like this, it just really makes me feel like you don’t.” He pauses, mostly just for dramatic effect, since he knows he won’t be getting any sort of reply.

Greasy curls flop down over his forehead, unhelpfully reminding him that he hasn’t even had time to shower today. He pushes them back with a groan. “We need to set some boundaries. You need to know that you’re not entitled to every single thing that I own. A lot of what’s mine is yours, but not all of it. Some of it’s just mine. Some of it is _not for you.”_

He tries not to feel bad saying it. He doesn’t like withholding things from his loved ones, but one of the many valuable lessons he’s learned in therapy is that he also needs to stand up for himself when it matters. “Because sometimes, like _now_ , you take things that aren’t yours and it really fucks my day up. Like, _really_ fucks it up. And I would like for that to not happen again. Are we clear on that?”

Silence, still. Not that he could’ve expected anything more.

He finally stops pacing and turns to face his culprit who, as he’d suspected, looks entirely unbothered. She does, however, rest her head down on her paws and thump her tail a couple times against the couch cushion.

He takes another, longer pause. Lets the situation sink in a bit. And then he’s less upset about it. Not happy, but less upset.

“Or maybe you were looking out for me.” He mumbles dejectedly, shoulders slumping before he plops himself down onto the couch. Bella shifts her position slightly to lay her head in his lap, and he reaches down automatically to scratch behind one of her floppy, golden ears.

“Maybe you knew it was a shit present and you wanted to spare me the embarrassment of having to actually give it to him. Or spare him the disappointment of getting it.” He rolls his eyes in response to his own pointless rambling. At least he’s upgraded from having conversations with himself to having conversations with his dog.

Her big, brown eyes blink up at him, and he sighs. “Yeah, yeah, I forgive you. You still shouldn’t have eaten it though. Now I have nothing at _all_ to give him, what the fuck am I supposed to do about—”

Their one-sided conversation gets cut short when Bella barks abruptly and leaps off the couch to bound towards the door, which means that Phil must be home. Sure enough, a few seconds later, he can hear Phil’s keys jingling in the lock and there’s an unpleasant twisting in the pit of his stomach. He’s almost never upset to hear Phil arriving home, but today… today, apparently, he could really use a little extra time by himself to get his shit together.

Bella’s advance warning gives him enough time, at least, to gather up the remaining shreds of what _was_ Phil’s Valentine’s Day gift, and shove it under the sofa cushion.

He can’t actually see the front door from his seat on the sofa, but he hears Phil step inside, hears him do his usual cooing and fussing over Bella as she greets him at the door, hears him shuffling around as he steps out of his shoes and hangs up his coat, hears him pad off to the kitchen with Bella trotting, presumably, at his heels.

He doesn’t call out for Dan. He, understandably enough, probably thinks he’s still asleep. So Dan hauls himself off the sofa and heads towards the kitchen to find him, because that’s what good boyfriends do, and he needs to be a good boyfriend today in at least some respect.

Phil’s stood in front of the coffee pot, scrolling through some Reddit thread on his phone that Dan can’t quite make out from over his shoulder. He’s clearly very absorbed in whatever it is, as he jumps a bit when Dan’s arms wrap around him from behind.

“Christ, Dan.” He breathes. “You scared me. You’re supposed to warn me before you do that, remember?” He rest his arms over Dan’s nonetheless. “We agreed on that last time, when you made me drop my phone into my bowl of cereal.”

“Your bowl of _my_ cereal.” Dan corrects him, and presses a soft kiss to his neck. “And it’s not my fault you’re that easily startled. You’re lucky that it’s adorable.”

Phil relaxes in his arms finally, leans some of his weight back against Dan’s chest and tilts his head so that Dan can nuzzle his cheek the way that he likes. “’m really lucky that you think I’m adorable.” He sighs, and Dan just squeezes him tighter. Phil tries so hard to be casual, but he can always detect it—it’s gotten much better over the years, but there’s still that little underlying note of insecurity that pops up in Phil’s tone every once in a while. And he’s not gonna let Phil feel insecure about anything today.

“You’re so adorable.” He whispers, and presses a couple more kisses along Phil’s jaw, and down his neck to his shoulder. “You’re the most adorable. I wouldn’t’ve spent nine, going on ten Valentine’s Days with you if I didn’t think so.” He feels a pang of guilt mixed with anxiety at the mention of the holiday, knowing that he’s actually got nothing to give to Phil as of now, and he has no idea how he’s gonna navigate that particular issue.

That feeling disappears briefly when Phil twists his head back to give him a soft peck on the lips. It’s an awkward angle and their mouths don’t line up exactly right, but it’s as warm and sweet as ever.

“Mm, right. Happy Valentine’s Day.” Phil mumbles against his lips. “Did you have a nice lie-in?”

“Very nice.” He rests his chin on Phil’s shoulder. “Although, not gonna lie, I was a bit upset when I woke up and you weren’t there to cuddle. Where’d you go, anyway?”

“Brought Bella to the dog park.” Phil replies, and reaches into the cupboard for their mugs once the coffee’s finished brewing. “I thought it’d be good to tire her out today. Then we came home and you were still asleep, so I went back out to the bakery. There’s a muffin for you on the counter.”

He turns his head a bit and there is, indeed, a white bakery bag sitting on the counter behind them. Then he hears a distinct _crunch_ , and his gaze travels downward, to where Bella’s very happily munching on a large, heart-shaped biscuit.

“And, uh. Did you perhaps go to the dog bakery as well?” He asks, giving Phil a teasing poke to the side.

Phil bats his hand away so that he can finish pouring their coffees before he finally turns around. “It’s her first Valentine’s Day ever.” He defends, unnecessarily, draping his arms around Dan’s shoulders. “She deserves a special treat.”

God. Stupid Phil and his stupid kind heart and his stupid sweet soul and the stupid way he always wants everyone and their dog to have the best day ever. Even after ten years, it still fills Dan with that stupid, overwhelming love that’s warm and soft and terrifying and exhilarating and safe and grounding and perfect and not really stupid at all. None of it is. The only thing that’s stupid is him, for getting Phil a dumb gift and then leaving it unattended long enough for their dog to eat it.

“Dan.”

“Huh?” He blinks a couple times to bring himself back to reality. Phil’s looking at him, head tilted to the side, with his arms still wrapped around his shoulders, and he’s still holding Phil’s waist—a bit too tightly, he reckons. He loosens his grip a bit.

“I asked what you wanted in your coffee.”

“Oh. Just the usual.” He mumbles, and mentally kicks himself for bringing about that particular expression that Phil’s wearing right now, that mix of concern and confusion that happens when Dan spaces out for too long.

Phil moves to break away but Dan’s not quite ready to let him go yet, tugging him instead into another kiss and relishing in the softness of Phil’s lips and how they taste like whatever sugary snack he ate on his way home from the bakery, and how his hands slide around to cup his cheeks so gently, to hold him like he’s the most precious thing in the world, which he’s certainly not but Phil always treats him as such anyway, and it makes him feel like he’s crumbling every single time. He’s very, very lucky.

“I love you.” He mumbles against Phil’s lips when he finally lets them break apart.

“I love you too.” He can feel Phil’s smile when he pecks his lips again. “But I can’t go get the almond milk if you keep holding me in this vice grip.”

*

“Switch.” Phil mumbles into his hairline.

“Nuh-uh.” He tilts his head up and meets Phil’s gaze. “There’s no way my turn’s already up.”

“It’s been an hour and a half, actually.” Phil informs him, with a soft kiss to his temple. “You fell asleep for a bit, so I let you go overtime.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, just tilts his head to the side, and Phil huffs out a laugh. “Don’t give me those eyes. Up. It’s my turn.”

He complies, eventually, and lets them shift positions, because after ten years Phil’s built up somewhat of an immunity to his puppy-dog eyes. Well… not really, but he at least knows to look away from them when it matters, so that his resolve doesn’t break. Dan can’t complain anyway, once Phil’s head is nestled into the crook of his neck and his arms are wrapped snugly around Dan’s waist and their legs are slotted together just right. Holding Phil is just as nice as being held by him, and if anything, he should be holding Phil as much as he wants to be held today. He should be giving Phil everything that he wants today. It’s the least he should do.

“You’re somewhere else again.” Phil says quietly, because of course he can tell. He’s slipped his hand up under Dan’s shirt to rub his thumb in gentle circles over his hip. “Do you need to talk?”

“No. I’m alright.” He replies, and kisses Phil soundly, as if that’ll prove anything. It doesn’t. Phil still looks skeptical when he pulls back, and there’s that pang of guilt again.

He tugs him in closer to his chest. Too close, probably, but it doesn’t matter. There’s no such thing as too close with Phil; Phil loves closeness. Phil loves cuddles and warm hugs and wrapping people up in his seemingly boundless love. When Dan really stops to think about it, it seems unreal that he’s been on the receiving end of that for an entire decade.

He waits for Phil to sigh and nuzzle further into his neck. It takes a minute, but he does—he always does—and when he does, Dan doesn’t hesitate to press a soft kiss into his hair. It’s comforting, breathing in the familiar soapy scent of Phil’s color-protecting shampoo, his hair still a bit damp from their shower earlier—the one that had ended with Dan down on his knees, with his mouth full and Phil’s fingers threaded into his wet hair. Phil, bless his heart, had allowed himself about ten seconds to bask in his orgasm before attempting to sink down and return the favor, but Dan had stopped him.

“Later,” he’d promised, and Phil had settled for kissing the taste of himself off of Dan’s lips and tongue. He’ll make good on that promise, once he settles everything else. Once he figures out what the hell he’s supposed to do about Phil’s gift.

It’s a bit hard to hold back from just making good on it right now. Phil’s warm and relaxed in his arms, his hand is still roaming over Dan’s skin under his shirt, his lips are on his neck, and he’s clearly still riding on that post-orgasm surge of affection. Phil wants him, wants to make him feel good, and Dan really fucking wants to let him.

But he doesn’t have a gift for Phil, so he doesn’t deserve it yet. Phil’s usually the one who operates on a reward system, and Dan’s usually the one telling him to just let himself enjoy things—that he doesn’t always need to somehow earn it. Things are just a bit different today.

So instead he whispers to Phil that he should have a nap, that he’d woken up early, and that he deserves a bit of rest now. It takes coercing, a lot of kissing away Phil’s tired protests, a lot of whispering that, yes, they’re totally gonna fuck later and it’s gonna be totally amazing Valentine’s sex like it always is, but Phil finally settles, and drifts off.

*

Were it not for the guilt and anxiety and general awfulness growing and nagging constantly at the back of his mind, this would probably be Dan’s favorite Valentine’s Day as of yet. Staying snuggled up in bed together all day, bingeing old X-Files episodes is a luxury they can rarely allow themselves. And there’s something about doing it here, in their new house, with their dog sleeping at the foot of their bed, in the first and only room so far that they’ve managed to fully furnish and arrange the way that they like, that tugs at Dan’s heartstrings despite the dark cloud that’s looming not quite over him yet, but dangerously close.

If he tries very hard, he can be quite good at not thinking about whatever’s bothering him. It’s a mostly inconvenient, probably unhealthy talent he’s developed in his time as a chronic procrastinator. But sometimes it actually is helpful, and today is one of those times. Because he needs to be in the moment for at least some of today. He needs to be here, loving Phil, kissing him and making idle comments on whatever episode they’re watching and laughing at old memories that resurface because it’s a special day and feeding him little tastes of his curry when they order Indian takeaway for lunch.

He does do all those things, and it actually feels quite nice. He feels relatively alright for a bit—until he goes to throw away their takeout containers in the kitchen, and returns to find Phil sitting cross-legged on their bed, with a small bouquet of flowers and two neatly (by Phil’s standards) wrapped gifts placed in front of him. Then the sick feeling returns.

“Presents already?” He asks as he slips back into bed, and hopes that his voice doesn’t sound as meek as he feels. “We’re not even gonna wait until dinner?”

Phil just shrugs, and kisses him once he’s close enough. “I wanna give you yours now. Please?”

And Dan can’t exactly say no when Phil’s already thrusting the flowers at him, along with the larger wrapped box. They’re roses, of course, and the box is a scented candle set, which is to be expected on most holidays. Any excuse to buy scented candles, at this point in their lives. It’s a nice set, all white and red and pink and sweet-smelling, and Phil smiles against his lips when he kisses him as a thank-you.

“Um. Okay.” Phil seems strangely hesitant once they pull back, and he hands over the smaller wrapped box. “This one’s, like… your actual present.”

Dan opens it gingerly, because he can’t quite read the expression on Phil’s face. Which is unusual. When Phil gives him presents, it’s usually pretty clear cut—Phil generally knows beforehand if he’s gotten Dan something good, or if he’s flopped, and it always shows. Not now, though. Now he actually seems unsure.

He shouldn’t be. Dan can’t stop staring down at the little box, now unwrapped and open in his hands.

“Do you like it?” Dan’s still not looking up at Phil, but he can tell from his voice that he’s nervous. “I know I’ve never bought you jewelry before. And I know you probably won’t wear this one like, all the time or anything, but if you don’t like it I can always return it and get you something else.”

“No, Phil. It’s…” He shakes his head and trails off, and finally looks up at him. “It’s beautiful. It’s perfect. I love it.” He leans forward and kisses Phil again and his heart breaks a little more, because he _does_. He _does_ love it, the little white-gold, diamond-studded hoop earring that he’s still holding in one hand while he cups Phil’s cheek with the other.

He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about how expensive it was, or how Phil had surely muddled through completely unknown waters to get it for him. Because he knows Phil, and he knows that Phil doesn’t know shit about jewelry—he doesn’t know any brands, doesn’t know anything about metals and stones. But he’s managed to find something beautiful and perfect for him anyway, because he knows Dan.

He knows Dan. He knows what it had meant for him to start wearing that little silver hoop a couple years ago. He knows how he’s been on a journey towards acceptance. He knows that he’s not trying to prove a point anymore. He knows how he likes nice, pretty things, and he knows that now he actually lets himself like those nice pretty things, instead of shoving those likes aside for ugly red _cold beer & hot women_ shirts.

He knows that he can’t buy Dan a diamond ring yet. They’re almost there, but not yet. But he can buy Dan something else that’s pretty and diamond, and he has.

And suddenly, it all feels like a bit too much.

*

He narrowly avoids crying about it in front of Phil. He waits until he’s outside, having volunteered to feed Bella and take her on her evening walk after thanking Phil far too hastily for what’s probably the loveliest gift he’s ever gotten. He can’t even bring himself to fully cry, either—they’re just bitter, angry, self-loathing tears that slide silently down his cheeks as he shoves his earbuds in and walks off down the street.

*

He stays out too long. Far, far too long. He’s lucky that Bella likes to walk so much. And that she’s content to just sit by him in the park once walking gets too tiring for both of them. Two hours go by, and Phil finally texts him. Feeling the vibration in his pocket is a small comfort. There was a time when Phil wouldn’t have been able to text him. Or he could’ve, but with his phone still at home, there would’ve been no point. He takes his phone with him now. They’ve made progress.

**_you ok?_ **

_yeah, sorry. just needed a bit of space. haven’t been feeling too good today._

His automated reaction is to hate himself for his response. Putting his emotional baggage on Phil is never something that he’ll not feel guilty about. But when it comes to him and Phil, there’s really no point trying to hide anything anymore. They’ve both got their own feelings and their own baggage and their own issues and they’ve loved and supported each other through all of that for years now. He may not always like sharing, but he at least knows that it’s safe. And he knows that Phil very much prefers that Dan just tells the truth about when he isn’t feeling well. He bites his lip when his phone buzzes a moment later.

**_i kind of figured. be safe, okay? call me if you need anything. i love you._ **

Phil loves him, despite everything. The way he sees it, Phil could have easily stopped loving him a long time ago, but he didn’t. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever stop being surprised by that. He draws in a shaky breath before sending his reply.

_i love you, too._

*

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, honestly. He’d known that for their tenth Valentine’s Day, he needed to get Phil something special. It shouldn’t have stressed him out as much as it did, but there’s something about Valentine’s Day. Something about that memory of being eighteen years old, sat up in a hotel bed at five in the morning, listening to the love of his life pour his heart out to him from halfway around the world, and deciding that he was never, ever going to let this boy get away from him as long as he could help it.

And it’s not like it was ridiculous of him to want to get Phil something nice. Phil had certainly done that for him.

It was, however, ridiculous of him to go online shopping for that special something at 2am, after a few too many glasses of wine. Because his mildly inebriated mind had been convinced that yes, this was totally a good gift. All deep and profound and symbolic and shit. And he’d clung onto that feeling until just yesterday, when it had finally arrived in the mail, a bit rumpled, and he’d realized how stupid it actually was.

So, while Bella hadn’t made his life any easier by eating it… she certainly hadn’t made it harder, either.

It’s all he can think about when he finally steps back into their house nearly five hours later, with red cheeks and chapped lips and a chill that runs all the way down to his bones. Bella wanders off immediately when she’s let off her leash, probably to go pass out in her bed. He reckons he’s kept her out past her bedtime, which he’d feel bad about if he didn’t feel so bad about Phil already.

Fuck. Phil.

His wonderful, wonderful boyfriend that he just abandoned, without any good explanation, for several hours on Valentine’s Day.

He tells himself that he’ll deal with that bit after he hydrates. But when he walks into the kitchen to get a glass of water, he’s surprised to find Phil already there, mixing something in a bowl.

He’s even more surprised when Phil looks up at him and smiles. Actually smiles, a smile that he doesn’t deserve.

“Hey.” Phil’s voice is deep and a bit tired, but still laced with that certain softness that’s reserved just for Dan. “You’re back. Wanna help?”

Dan just stands there for a moment.

“I’m making a cake.” Phil clarifies, when Dan doesn’t respond. “Red velvet. I, um.” He bites his lip and looks down into the bowl. “I didn’t know how much longer you were gonna be out, but I thought you might like something sweet when you got back.”

Dan simultaneously wants to burst into tears and laugh out loud at the irony of it all—Phil baking him a cake, as if Phil isn’t already the sweetest thing in the world to come home to. He doesn’t laugh or cry, though. He just crosses the kitchen, takes Phil’s face in his hands and kisses him hard. “I fucking love you.” He whispers, while Phil’s arms wrap around his waist.

“So…?” Phil asks, and Dan huffs out a quiet laugh.

“So, yes. I’ll help.”

*

The cake turns out to be delicious. It’s especially delicious to eat while they’re tangled up in bed, after he’s nearly had the life fucked out of him.

Yes, he’d resolved to not get off until he figured out what he was gonna do about Phil’s gift.

But then they’d been frosting the cake, and he’d gotten a bit on his thumb, so of course Phil had needed to suck it off. And looking into Phil’s big, blue eyes, while he’s got his plump lips wrapped around his thumb, is a _lot_. He couldn’t get him onto his knees fast enough.

Then they couldn’t get into the bedroom fast enough, couldn’t get each other’s clothes off fast enough, couldn’t get Dan prepped fast enough. That’s how it goes sometimes, at least for Dan, when he’s been a bit off and a bit wound up for a while.

In hindsight, it was probably worth it. Sex, sometimes, after a day like today, is like scratching an itch that he didn’t even know he had. Something about hearing Phil’s deep moan of satisfaction when he’d finally gotten his mouth down over Dan’s cock, something about his tight grip and whispered pleas and praise and desperate hasty kisses while Dan had been riding him, something about the way he’d flipped them over and fucked Dan so hard and sounded so wrecked by the time he came deep inside, feels so good. It doesn’t fix everything, doesn’t make him feel fundamentally less terrible, but for the moment it feels so, so fucking good.

He wants to tell Phil as much. But that would entail telling Phil the real reason that he’s been holding off all day, and surely that’s not the best idea right now.

“No, stop.” Phil groans, when Dan nudges at his mouth with another forkful of cake. “We’ve eaten like, half the pan. ‘m gonna explode.” In spite of himself, he opens his mouth anyway, and swats Dan on the shoulder when he notices his smirk. “Don’t give me that look.” He pouts. “I’m weak-willed.”

Dan drops his fork down into the pan that they’ve been eating directly out of, and sets it to the side so that he can pull Phil in as close as possible. “You’re really not. You’ve put up with me for this long, so you’re probably about the strongest-willed person there is.”

Phil genuinely frowns. “Don’t say that.” He whispers. “Please. I don’t put up with you, I love you.”

“I’m sorry.” He runs his hand through Phil’s hair—soft and natural and unstyled, because that’s what they’d agreed on for today. That they’d just relax. So much for that, at least on his part. “I didn’t mean it like that. I swear, I’m not trying to be a depressed piece of shit on Valentine’s Day.”

Phil gives him another look. God, he must be tired if his filter for his shitty internal monologue is failing him this much. He kisses Phil apologetically and his mouth tastes like frosting. Vanilla, not the traditional cream cheese, so as not to offend Phil’s delicate cheese sensibilities. Then he lets his head roll to the side so he can check the time on his phone.

It’s past 1am. It’s not even Valentine’s Day anymore. He’s officially blown it.

He doesn’t have much time to wallow about that, because he feels Phil’s fingertips on his cheek.

“Dan. Hey.”

Dan turns to face him, reluctantly. He doesn’t want to have this talk. But they’re going to, he knows that much. Phil doesn’t like to go to bed with things unresolved. He doesn’t respond, though. He just meets his gaze tiredly. _Go on. Say it._

“I don’t care that you didn’t get me anything.”

And, there it is.

He just snorts. “Phil, that’s bullshit. Don’t tell me you weren’t expecting a Valentine’s present.”

“No, I mean, I was.”

Well, at least he’s honest.

Phil quickly continues. “But I’m not upset about not getting one. I know what you’re like.”

A statement like that might normally make him jump to conclusions, might make him prematurely angry. But he’s tired enough that he can’t even bring himself to do that. Instead he just raises an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Phil bites his lip, like he knows he needs to tread carefully with what he says next. “Ten years is a lot. It’s an arbitrary number, technically, but we’re made to feel like it’s important. Like it’s this really big deal. And you’re a perfectionist. If you can’t do something just right, then you don’t do it at all.”

He’s quiet for a moment, because he doesn’t exactly know how to respond. He knows that about himself, obviously. But he still doesn’t like to hear it.

“I kind of love that about you.” Phil continues, before Dan can say anything. “It’s not always a practical thing, but you just… you care. A lot.” He drags his fingers lightly over Dan’s collarbone. “So I don’t mind that you couldn’t find me the perfect gift. Because, like, there’s no such thing as the perfect gift. But that’s what you wanted, at least.”

Dan’s still at a loss for words, so he stays quiet, and feels Phil fidget a little under the covers.

“I mean…” He says, a little quiet. “Is that right? Or did I just read this whole thing entirely wrong?”

“No, you’re right.” He mumbles, and lets his head thump back against their headboard. “Well, all the perfectionism stuff. You’re right about that. It does stress me out.” He lets his eyes fall shut. It takes a little while, sometimes, for the emotional exhaustion of a bad day to catch up with him. But it’s starting to take its toll.

He does manage to open one eye, at least, to set things straight once and for all.

“For the record, I did get you something. I thought it was a nice gift at the time, and then I realized that maybe it was kinda shit, and then Bella ate it, which seemed like a sign from the universe that it was _definitely_ shit and you weren’t destined to get it. And you know I don’t actually believe in that stuff, but I let myself believe in it for this one particular situation so that I wouldn’t feel like the worst boyfriend ever.”

“You’re the best boyfriend ever.” Phil says, with zero hesitation, and Dan knows that he means it. As much as he might feel undeserving of Phil’s love sometimes, he knows that it’s there and he knows that it’s real. “What was it?”

There’s the question he’s been dreading. He opens both eyes and groans. “Don’t make me say it.”

“Please?” Phil nudges Dan’s cheek with his nose before pressing a tiny little kiss there. Dan shakes his head.

“I won’t judge.” Phil promises. “I swear. I’m just curious. I’m wondering what it is that Bella ate that we apparently shouldn’t be concerned about.”

It takes him a good few moments and a couple more kisses to give in.

“Alright.” He sighs, and grabs his phone, and pulls up his order confirmation email before handing it off to Phil. “Just don’t laugh about it, alright?”

He averts his gaze once he sees Phil’s eyes start to scan over his phone screen. He really shouldn’t be this embarrassed, he knows that. But the email isn’t very long, so it doesn’t quite make sense that Phil doesn’t say anything for a while, and the silence just keeps getting louder.

When Phil finally does speak up, his voice is soft, and a little crackly.

“You… bought me a star?”

He sighs. “Yeah. And it came with this dumb ownership certificate and I stupidly left it on the counter, and Bella jumped up and ate it while I was in the other room. Not that it really matters, I guess. I thought I could give it to you and tell you all about how you’re like, this metaphorical star to me, but then I figured how lame that was, and…”

He stops when he hears a tiny sniffle, and only then does he look over at Phil again.

He’s not crying, but he’s got a very distinct wetness in his eyes, which is still a pretty big deal for him, and it’s quite surprising. But Dan doesn’t have time to comment on that, because Phil quickly throws his arms around his neck and surges forward and kisses him. Like, really kisses him. And Dan’s a bit surprised by it, but he kisses him back with everything he’s got, his arms winding tightly around Phil’s waist.

“I don’t know what you were thinking.” Phil whispers when they break apart. “Dan, I love it.”

That’s even more of a surprise than the kiss. Maybe he really does know Phil best, even when he thinks he doesn’t.

“Um.” He laughs, more of a release of nervous energy than anything else. “You do?”

Phil rests his head down on his shoulder, and closes his eyes and presses a kiss to his neck, and nods. “I really do.” He murmurs.

His eyes flutter open again and he gives Dan one of those looks that makes him feel like he’s actually drowning. He’s told Phil before that he could go swimming in his eyes, and he’d really meant it.

“So, can you tell me?”

Phil’s voice pulls him out from underwater. “Hm?” He smooths his hand in gentle circles over Phil’s lower back, and Phil sighs at his touch.

“Can you tell me all the dumb metaphorical shit you were planning on saying?” Phil asks him with one of those tiny, playful smirks.

“Oh, shut up.” Dan laughs and shoves him off, but immediately pulls him back in, even closer than before. He pauses for a moment, takes his bottom lip between his teeth and tries to find the perfect thing to say. And he realizes he can’t. He’s not gonna find the _perfect_ thing to say, and Phil’s not gonna mind.

So he exhales, and just gets on with it.

“Just that you’re like… this speck of light, that’s always shining for me even when everything else seems dark and kinda frightening. Something I’ve always looked up to. Something that… I take for granted sometimes, you know? Sometimes I take for granted that you’re always around, but then sometimes I look at you and I remember that you’re, like, the most beautiful thing in my life, and that I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t have you and all your love, encouraging me to keep plodding on through the fucking… great unknown, or whatever. You don't fix everything or solve all my problems, but you do make things brighter, and prettier, and less scary.”

He’s a bit too tired to decide if what he’s saying even makes sense, so he just looks at Phil, whose eyes are shining again. “Should I keep going?”

Phil just shakes his head and swallows thickly. “I think that’s plenty for now.” He murmurs, and puckers his lips to ask for another kiss—to which Dan very happily obliges. And then he obliges again. And again. And again, until they’re both too tired to go on.

Phil settles back down onto him, his head pillowed on Dan’s chest. They’re quiet for a bit, and he thinks he can feel Phil’s breaths beginning to even out, until he hears the distinct _click_ of his phone unlocking and looks down to see Phil’s eyes scanning once again over the screen.

“It’s in Ursa Minor.” Phil says, finally, and when he looks at Dan again, his sleepy eyes are full of nothing but love. “Doesn’t that mean Little Bear?”

That particular detail makes him blush, though it’s dark enough for Phil not to see. “Uh.” He chuckles. “Maybe.”

He feels Phil shift up, slightly, so his lips graze against Dan’s earlobe. “You’re a nerd.” He mumbles, with a playful nip. “And I love you so fucking much.”

He can’t bring himself to do much more than exhale a laugh and give Phil a little squeeze in return. “I love you too.” He whispers. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

There’s no response, which means Phil’s fallen asleep, and he can’t complain about that. He’s exhausted too. So he presses one last kiss to Phil’s forehead, and closes his eyes.

And falls asleep, with his own tiny bit of the universe wrapped up in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> written for phanfictionevents remix relay on tumblr!
> 
> prompts given were 1. dan is afraid his valentine's day gift isn't going to be good enough, 2. dan loses the valentine's gift he got for phil, and 3. dan and phil baking a cake in the middle of the night
> 
> title from space oddity by david bowie
> 
> reference for the earring that phil got for dan can be found [here](https://www.astleyclarke.com/uk/14ct-white-gold-mini-halo-single-diamond-hoop-earring-36043wnoe?GlobalEData=%7B%22countryISO%22:%22US%22,%22currencyCode%22:%22USD%22,%22defaultCurrencyCode%22:%22USD%22,%22cultureCode%22:%22en-US%22%7D&gclid=CjwKCAiAqaTjBRAdEiwAOdx9xqy9poWeT8IxBFWgFcTJh8di48qz70RZtzfujp0q05GIBg60qs8QPRoCPh0QAvD_BwE)
> 
> thanks for reading!
> 
> [like/reblog,](https://iinterruptedbyfireworks.tumblr.com/post/182889544891/and-the-stars-look-very-different-today) or just come talk to me on tumblr! [@iinterruptedbyfireworks](https://iinterruptedbyfireworks.tumblr.com/)


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